Friday, 7 December 2012

Screw This (and other thoughts on my imminent doom)

I'm pretty sure my kid is plotting my doom. He's a smart boy, I have no doubt he's inherited that streak of evil genius I loved in his father. I always knew that one day he would grow to be taller than me, he would speak down to me and he would break my heart in a million little ways. I just was not expecting it so soon. He cracks me up day after day - it's one of my most favourite things about him, if you can make me laugh you have my heart - when he asks me to bite the top off his banana because it's too sharp, when he yells for a mouseketool any time I'm struggling with carrying the shopping, when he tells me I'm a good boy for letting him eat Nutella on toast for dinner or he shares a single M&M with me because it has a 'm for mommy' on it, but then the rest of the pack are apparently blank. 

Lately though, I'm laughing out of mortification. Actual dear-ground-open-up-why-don't-you moments. Like when we were having coffee with a friend, Vin insisted on asking his name eight hundred times, asked me to spell it out for him, then repeatedly called him by another name. That other name being the last guy I was seeing (Vin never actually met him, but he was particularly taken with his name). I guess I should be grateful he didn't call him daddy right?

And today, after watching 32 consecutive episodes of Handy Manny (who may or may not be Dora the Explorer's illegitimate father/uncle/meth dealer) and the dancing screwdrivers reminded me I should probably get round to putting those shelves up in the kitchen (you know the ones I promised I could do myself?) I don't have any tools, dancing or otherwise, and while Vin is very insistent we should just call daddy and tell him we need him to come help us with the shelves, I explain that daddy took his tools with him when he moved out and that mommy is going to buy her own tools. So we head out in search of pointy things and bangy things and drillbit type things. 

While I'm wondering what the hell I'm doing shopping Vin gets chatting to the shop assistant - she asks him his name, he tells her he is Handy Manny, "Oh Andy, lovely to meet you" she replies, and for once he doesn't correct the mistake (seriously, we're talking about the kid who kicked off at Santa for full-naming him). Nice lady asks Vinnie what he's looking for, and my kid comes out with the following diatribe as I simultaneously plan my shuffle off this mortal coil: 

"Mommy needs a screw. She did have a screw but then daddy went to live with {new girlfriend} and mommy can't screw anymore. But she does have a friend called {coffeeshop guy} and he might help her screw her shelf in the kitchen".

DIY lady shoots me a look that burns me right to my core and hands my kid a pack of 3.5mm drywall screws. Meanwhile I wonder if throwing myself upon them in the hope of impaling myself  would end this before he gets any smarter. 


  1. have a kind of sick desperation in your laugh.

    1. The desperation that comes from the realisation that I have a whole lifetime full of moments like this?

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