Thursday, 7 February 2013

The Ultimate Gift Guide for Single Moms

Friends, it was my birthday last week. I mostly spent the passing of my twentyfifth year sleeping, drinking cocktails and sulking a fair bit as the ex had managed to time his trip to Disneyland with the kiddo to land on my actual birthday - a feat I would have considered malicious, till I realised he'd never once remembered my birthday in all the six years we'd been together.

Anyway, let's face it, birthdays suck as you get older and the only important thing about grown-up birthdays is the presents. Which is mostly where I realised just how old people thought I was as I unwrapped two pairs of cosy pyjamas (because if I didn't already realise that the only person who will be sharing my bed in the near future is my three year old, then a nightshirt emblazoned with a sausage dog wearing reindeer antlers is a pretty decent reminder). For Christmas I am anticipating  unwrapping a Snuggie Wrap Blanket (look, they come in Leopard Print too!) BTW old people still like Jack Daniels y'know. I wondered if perhaps people had taken my love of warm socks as some sort of predictor of premature ageing and adjusted their gift buying accordingly? Sorry to sound ungrateful but kitchen appliances just remind me of a lifetime of domestic drudgery while a subscription to Netflix pre-loaded with all of Ryan Gosling's back catalogue is pretty much the closest thing I could get to a legal high, given my kid's propensity to wake several times a night. As it is most of my friends made good and I also received gin and Chanel and smutty things and a Ryan Gosling Colouring Book (yep, you're welcome world).

So I planned to put together a little gift guide for the single mom in your life. Things I might have actually looked upon favourably (or at least seen their uses). Like this Bright Pink Toolset (for all my DIY woes - this way at least I can not put up shelves in style), a Bumper pack of batteries (cos, well... y'know), Roses made out of Chocolate (yep, covered all your bases there), coffee that tastes like sweets (or a date with a hot barista, my preferred method) or the now iconic 'I'm not with stupid anymore' t-shirt. If there was such a thing as legal sleeping pills for three year olds you can bet they would have been included here.

But I don't just want to be given over to frivolities like Pina Colada Flavoured Lubricant when there are actual products out there designed to empower and embolden the single women in your life. 

Products like The Husband Pillow. I'll be honest, it looks creepy as fuck, but I secretly kind of love this idea. Whenever my man friend stays over I always pretend like I'm only snuggling because he wants to because otherwise it would ruin my spiky fierce rep. I'm pretty sure I could make one of these, if it's not too creepy stealing your lover's shirt to make a disembodied version of him to snuggle up to when he;s not around? Wait, you think that is creepy? Well, at least I've found a use for all those plaid nightshirts I got from my grandma. 

The ZipHer solves one of those existential problems (namely, to LBD or not to LBD?) that all you smug-married types didn't even realise existed. Heaven forbid the day comes when you are dressing yourself, perhaps another singles night at another seedy bar, or perhaps trying to look kickass the first time you meet your now exes new fling - you are suddenly faced with just how pathetic and useless you are without a man in your life that you cannot even dress yourself. Oh look, this one has pearls on it. I feel just like Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffanys... and I can do it one handed? Splendid.

Along the same lines, only a whole lot worse is The Bracelet Buddy.

If you wanted any more proof of how feeble your weak single ass arms are (I assume cos you're out of practice at carrying other people's bullshit) I came across this Jar and Bottle Opener in several (somewhat more serious than this one) gift guides for single women. I have never, not never struggled so hard to open a jar that I needed a gadget for it. Do I embody some sort of singlemom super power? Have I done away with the need for men altogether? Anyone wanna take me up on the newly revised equal marriage laws?

The Ex Boyfriend Voodoo Doll - obviously I don't need to explain this one. Of course, it only works as a good gift if say, your ex left you and your kid for a pert blonde dance instructor and her pet chihuahua, for example. If you're more interested in getting him back than getting your own back, I might suggest this Make Your Own Dildo Kit.

p.s. some of these are affiliate links, which means if you buy something on my recommendation then I'll get a few pennies for my crack habit pocket money. I will not profit if you go buy one of those ridiculous ZipHers though, do so only at the depths of your own self-loathing. 


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