Tuesday, 1 January 2013


I used to have this theory about New Years - that how you spend it would reflect on the rest of the year to come. Let me rewind a couple of years for you, to prove my point. 

2006-7 - the night of the epic drugs binge. We may have also attempted Halo on various substances that night. I slept on a beanbag chair, most uncomfortable nights sleep ever. I spend the next year experimenting with every substance I can find in order to cure my insomnia. 2007-8 - Disneyworld Florida. We watch the fireworks behind Cinderella's castle. I make a note, no NYE plan will ever top this. We return home, leave for Berlin before my birthday, don't come home, search for an elusive moment. 2008-9 - The night I actually insisted on making a plan, am wearing a fake fur stole, sort tickets for a trendy gig at a disused factory in the hip part of town. Ex and I fight around 11:30pm, he leaves, I rang in the year crying.

Four days later I conceived Vinnie. And there ends the nights of wild partying, festivals, travelling and all the drugs. 2009-10 I fell asleep, alone before midnight. Ex had gone out with his friends. I sit breastfeeding our three month old son somewhere around midnight. 2010-11 - I manage to stay awake until midnight by listening to the entire Velvet Underground back catalogue. Ex is out with his friends. The fireworks wake Vinnie up and we sit up alone listening to the celebrations. 

2011-12 - Ex and I have not spoken for a week. Not since he asked for a paternity test during Christmas Dinner. He plans to go out for NYE, I plan to rekindle my love affair with Lou Reed. Vin wakes up just before midnight, ex comes home early. We watch the fireworks together silently, before I head to bed in tears. I guess this last one is the one that confirms my theory. It may have taken another six months for the cracks to finally break us, but they were there right from the beginning. 

When I look back at this year, I say to myself 'it mostly has been a crappy one, but in some ways probably one of the best ones too'. I found a hell of a lot of strength this year, I met my best friend, the universe tested me, I started to find myself in those broken tatters of a person I'd become in a destructive relationship. I moved house, all on my own. I parent my kid, all on my own. I'm think I may be kicking ass at a lot of this. I value my friends more, I appreciate my family. I take pleasure in the little things that I wouldn't have even noticed before. The bond between me and my kid is unbreakable. I like to spend time alone. 

So this new years - I meet up with the guy, coffeeshop guy. It may or may not have been a random hookup. I'm not sure how that one is playing out - I might just delete all my internet dating profiles and start referring to him as my boyfriend in public to see if I can freak him out. He leaves, he has a party to go to. I have Loaded on vinyl. I pick my kid up, hang out with my family a while. My mum is drunk and dancing round the living room - she toasts to '2013 - the year of no more c***s' I have to agree. Vin and I come home, I put him to bed, climb in next to him with my glass of Prosecco. I call all my friends that evening, we have soppy nostalgic, alcohol fuelled heart to hearts. I have one of those long conversations where you're almost sure you're actually connecting, with a guy I used to have a thing for. Midnight chimes. I watch the fireworks from my window. Kiss my sleeping boy on the head. Whisper 'today is a new year, little one'.


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