Tuesday, 13 November 2012

After Co-Dependency...




The biggest thing for me when my relationship was ending wasn't just worrying about how I would cope (I knew I could handle anything thrown in my way), it wasn't even worrying about my son so much - of course this was a big thing for me, but I knew I could make anything ok where he was concerned. No, the thing that stressed me out the most was the small stuff - how could we live on one income, how was I going to accomplish anything alone with a small child around full-time, who was going to make the calls to the phone company when they mess up our bill and send threatening letters? 

It was about this time I fully realised how co-dependent we had become. My ex and I very much looked after each other, to the point we forgot how to look after ourselves (the ex of course further proved this point by moving in with a new girlfriend as soon as he moved out of our home). Me - I didn't have the option of replacing that co-dependable side. I had to work on self-sufficiency. 

Having been with the ex for my whole adult life, I'd never done any of those adult things on my own - never flat hunted alone, or been out of work alone, managed a budget alone or made any big decision pretty much ever without at least consulting someone else. Now all these things fall to me. And more. I had nobody to sound ideas off, to make decisions with, to share the responsibility with - and what a big responsibility now that my son's happiness, his future is in the balance as well as my own. I wrote in my journal "I am crippled by the weight of the decisions I face alone". 

As you can see, those decisions got made, those lonely tasks were accomplished - I found a home for us, moved cross-country, managed that budget (sort of), we survive on one income, I made all those phonecalls to utility companies and phone suppliers. I did it and I did it alone. I tell myself every day 'You got this, girl' (I'm sure this will be my lifelong mantra) and I know I can do it. Not just because I have to, but because I am strong enough to. I am dependable enough to. 

I replaced that co-dependency with a kick-ass self-sufficiency - and it feels great. I feel free and in control. My life is mine and not just mine, mine and my son's - and I choose to make it work and to work on our terms. We dance and thrive in those decisions I made and make everyday. There are many many more decisions ahead of us, paths to walk alone, conversations to have with only myself to consult. But I am safe in the knowledge I can do this. I don't do co-dependency now because now there is far too much depending on me. 

2 comments:

  1. you do totally rock. Thats why I enjoy reading your blog. even though some of the posts are sad and I have no idea what to say because words can't make it better, I don't worry too much because I know you rock and you will be fine. And posts like this just prove it.

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  2. love it. "kick-ass self-sufficiency". you're awesomeness.

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