The Space Between Then and Now

Photo via Reno Gang 

I always intended to be the kind of mom that goes overboard on the holidays... decorating the house and making family traditions, creating memories and special moments that my kids would take into their own adulthood, and hopefully share with their own children one day. 

Over here in the UK we are celebrating Bonfire Night this week and as Vin and I got ready to wrap up warm and head out with my mom and one of my brothers to watch the fireworks I was struck by a little wave of sadness. I keep thinking 'this time last year...' and contemplating all the space between then and now. I remember trying to explain to Vin why I was putting his pjs on underneath his clothes, I remember my ex teasing me about how much stuff I'd packed for an evening in the park and I remember feeling somewhat smug as we wrapped ourselves in fleece blankets and watched the show with a thermos of mulled wine and homemade mince pies. I felt sad that my son won't even remember that Bonfire Night. But I knew that he would remember this one, so I pulled myself together and I planned a nice evening and we made popcorn and I psyched him up lots so he wasn't freaked out by going out at night or the noise. 

And then my mom called and said she was too sick to go. So I settled in for the evening instead, thinking Vinnie would be disappointed and feeling a little sorry for myself. Then the fireworks outside started to go off. Plenty of our neighbours were holding their own little displays in their gardens. Vin was so excited, I switched off the lights and opened the curtains and we watched out of the windows. And he looked at me with his big blue eyes and said, 'when are we going out in the garden all wrapped up warm mama?' And he asked for the glowsticks I had promised him so he wasn't scared in the dark. And I lit candles. And we ate our homemade treats on a sheepskin blanket in front of the open patio doors. And it struck me, although things didn't go as I'd imagined they would, that this was actually better than my little boy had imagined. And that although this wasn't exactly what I had planned, that this was actually exactly what I had planned.

And we created a new tradition, one to be enjoyed by just the two of us.